Sunday, 1 May 2016

Then I Learnt To Let Go

And I was a bottled up jar of emotions, grudges and memories until my late twenties. A traumatic childhood contributed in part to my mindset being such. The prime target was my father, whom I hated with all my guts. In general, I hated everything. Including life. Self pity engulfed me as I chose to play victim.

Did the circumstances justify this attitude? Not really. Everyone has some problem or other, it is how one chooses to deal with it that makes the difference. While it is true that there were trigger events that were too hot to handle for a child, there was a great support system around me. I ignored that and sulked about how miserable my lot was.

The shift happened very, very gradually. It was only when I was in my late twenties that the first signs of maturity awakened in me. In hindsight, I now know that Bipolar Disorder, diagnosed only when I was past forty, set in at adolescence and played with my emotions and impaired judgment.

Initially my journey of purging my burdened mind did not begin with a design or at a conscious level. Meditation began the subtle shift.

Every event, every person, every challenge has a purpose in your life~ to make you or break you. And even those that break you, have the potential to make you stronger.
My myriad challenges made me look deep within for answers. My spiritual journey took me to an exalted new level of freedom.
When one gets rid of every layer of grime covering the soul, one experiences lightness of being.

So, I learnt to let go.

I learnt to let go of hatred.

To be able to do so, one has to replace hatred with forgiveness, which I did.

So I let go of blame.
All it needed was ownership. That I was responsible for where I was.

So I let go of expectations.
The 'shoulds' which keep on bothering us~ she shouldn't have behaved like this, he could have been more supportive and so on.

So I let go of hurtful memories.
I did nothing specific. A heart full of love finds it difficult to hold such memories.

So I let go of anger.
Anger, the unjustified kind, is a sign that we find we are lacking somewhere and thus need to take it out on a hapless person.

So I let go of fear.
What was there to be afraid of for a man who had full faith in God's ways?

So I let go of secrecy.
And opened up. Writing my gut-wrenching story in the form of a Book was a cathartic experience. People tell me, it must have been difficult. I say, there's nothing more difficult than holding a secret deep in our hearts.

For, we are not designed to hold secrets.

And I keep letting go, for I am not perfect.
Gratitude to Priya Chawla, a friend, artist and thinker.
Her fantastic charcoal sketch, which I have used here with her prior permission, prompted my stream of thoughts..
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